While I like college football more than the NFL these days, it is still a fountain overflowing with irritating happenstance, often celebrated by particular fans.
Without further ado, a few of my least favorite things.
5. Heisman Trophy Talk
No other trophy is as celebrated for meaning so little, even Grammys there’s usually some buffer — well all of these great artists didn’t win a Grammy. There are no apologies for the Heisman — nobody ever comes out and says maybe we shouldn’t have given it to Troy Smith, Jason White or Eric Crouch. And then announcers talk about it in the first couple games of the season, like its not a completely arbitrary selection process. Sometimes they get it right, like Cam Newton, but comparing their success rate to blind squirrels is an insult to all visually impaired rodents.
4. Nick Saban and “the process”
First off, Nick Saban is a great coach. He wins all the time. But, “the process,” as he calls it, is grade A bologna. Saban does not have a premium on discipline; I doubt his practices or preparation or game plans are really much different from most other college coaches. Saban has compiled such a sterling record at Alabama because he recruits the best players. He can recruit the best players because he won a championship at LSU and was a coach in the NFL long enough for a cup of coffee. He has name recognition and notoriety.
3. Notre Dame’s Persistent Academic Double Talk
You’ve all heard it. “It’s so hard to recruit at Notre Dame because our academic standards are so stringent.” Sure Notre Dame is a fine institution of learning, but in the words of Miss Mona Lisa Vito, the defense does not hold water. So you’re saying your academic standards keep you from recruiting players like Richard Sherman, David DeCastro, Coby Fleener and Doug Baldwin, how come all of those guys went to Stanford? Isn’t Stanford a higher rated school than you guys? On this list Stanford is at No. 4 and Notre Dame is at 16. That’s weird. Are you saying Stanford doesn’t care about academics as much as Notre Dame? How about all you golden domers just admit that you haven’t been that good at football over the last two decade and stop with the humblebrag excuses.
2. Florida State’s Tomahawk Chop
None of the pieces of this celebration would be that annoying in isolation. It’s when you put together — the hand motion, chant and fight song — and then repeat incessantly throughout a contest it becomes a stew of grating chum. A lot of teams do this type of celebration just after touchdowns — Kansas State for instance has the Wabash Cannonball, which they do like two or three times a game. Last night, FSU only scores 17 points and I’m still listening to a chorus chanting ohs like ever few minutes. The weird thing is, Seminoles as a team name, not racist — the tribe itself supports it — but the chant in the tomahawk chop is a little demeaning. Damnit I want to like FSU more than Florida. My team, Mizzou, has to play Florida every year and Tallahassee is closer to where I live. But the tomahawk chop makes it difficult.
1. The Oklahoma Fight Song
Fight songs are innately annoying, especially your own when your team is losing as I experienced with Mizzou yesterday. But the Oklahoma fight song is a special breed. Heard once and it scratches the ear drums like a knife blade on a metal cookie sheet. However, the OU fight song is like Lays potato chips to a 500 pound man. Every first down, every tackle — you hear it over and over. In my version of Hell, the Oklahoma fight song will be pumped straight into my brain as the devil shocks my testicles with a cattle prod.