NFL Breakdown


The NFL is back. I’m excited until another miserable season starts for the Rams with a loss to a sneaky Vikings team. I’m expecting a lot highlights like this for All-Day. Maybe with some bombs to Cordarrelle Patterson sprinkled in.

This year I’m also adopting another mindset and just accepting that my fantasy team sucks before the season starts. I still think it looks good but experience has taught me otherwise.

Most of the time the NFL kicks me in the face. For all its talk of parody, I think the NFL is a little less fair than it lets on.

Let’s look at two tiers of teams:

Teams that suck:
-Buffalo Bills
-St. Louis Rams
-Jacksonville Jaguars
-Oakland Raiders
-Arizona Cardinals
-Tampa Bay Buccaneers
-Carolina Panthers
-Kansas City Chiefs
-Miami Dolphins
-Atlanta Falcons
-Cleveland Browns
-Houston Texans
-New York Jets
-Detroit Lions
-Washington Redskins
-Tennessee Titans

Now, some of these teams have made the playoffs recently — Falcons, Jets, Chiefs, Lions, Texans, Redskins and Panthers. But they all have a strong history of sucking. You can get out of tier one by making the playoffs three years in a row or three out of the last four years. Congratulations to the Cincinnati Bengals, who accomplished said feat. If both Houston and Atlanta made the playoffs, after incredible falls in 2013, they would move into Tier 2.

Teams you can count on to be at least be mediocre:
-Cincinnati Bengals
-Green Bay Packers
-Philadelphia Eagles
-New York Giants
-San Francisco 49rs
-Seattle Seahawks
-New Orleans Saints
-Chicago Bears
-New England Patriots
-Dallas Cowboys
-Pittsburgh Steelers
-Baltimore Ravens
-Indianapolis Colts
-Minnesota Vikings
-Denver Broncos
-San Diego Chargers

This is the tier of franchise quarterbacks, long-tenured coaches and smart general managers. It’s not a guarantee that these teams will always be good, Giants and Colts have recently had hellish seasons, but they almost always bounce back. You move out of tier 2 with four consecutive playoff misses — I’m looking at you Cowboys. It’s hard to gain entry to this tier and difficult to fall out, Minnesota.

In the early 2000s, the Rams and Patriots vaulted from tier 1 to Super Bowl champions. However, that has not happened in over a decade. When looking at Super Bowl teams, you can just ignore more than half the league; Sorry Carolina and Kansas City fans who might have high hopes.


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